Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

79.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that