me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…