Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!