ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you