ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks