ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
never compromise your values
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.