Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot