Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Introverted vegans go meetless
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.