Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
The real reason evolution started..😂
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭