Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter


Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.


ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine


I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!


Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?


Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.


My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair


A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.


Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?


*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good