Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine