@daddydoubts

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

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@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@HatfieldAnne

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@KPMoore8

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@NightValeRadio

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

@smithsara79

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good