Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians