@fro_vo

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

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@EyalTweet

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@HenpeckedHal

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

@TheAndrewNadeau

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@lasergirl70

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want