@fro_vo

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

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@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

@KayRants

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

@Parentpains

My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.

@JRehling

The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision

@lilpwoppa

How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@daemonic3

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@ronnui_

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.