Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

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Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom


I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.


The FAA has shut down airspace over Ferguson, which must be to stop the problem of people rioting and looting in the sky. #FergusonDecision


How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.


Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?


I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.