Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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Bro what is this
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.