Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Those are good neighbors.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
worst…sale…ever
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish