@hazelmotes1

Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*

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@DeadLioness

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

@CelebrityChez

If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

@Tall_Yoda7

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

@reallifemommy3

I like to leave my key in the front door every few months to make sure the neighborhood is still safe

@My_Monster4

I wouldn’t mess with me; my stress ball can easily take an eye out.

@BisHilarious

Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again

@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner