How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
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just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.