Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
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Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Not😆🤣
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.