(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
#SuperBowl
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.