me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.


Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.


ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?


Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.


Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time


Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please


“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful


WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face