My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Albert Einstein looking fabulous.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
M: 4 glasses
M: Yes, please
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face