@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

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@bigmacher

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

@goodhairperson

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

@AaronFullerton

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

@Jeff_G_Nixon

[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@sarcasticmommy4

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

@JamieLinks

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

@SJSchauer

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

@AmishPornStar1

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.