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@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
@hurlarious: Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
@anerdonfire2: Don't flatter yourself lady, I wasn't winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you're eating.
@ericsshadow: WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn't have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
@tsm560: It's not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
@comfynumb2012: Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.