@MarfSalvador
@bigmacher
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
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@bigmacher
@goodhairperson
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
@AaronFullerton
Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?
@Jeff_G_Nixon
[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]
@MarlaCaceres
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
@sarcasticmommy4
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
@JamieLinks
Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.
@SJSchauer
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
@AmishPornStar1
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
@3sunzzz
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.