me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

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Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.


[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell


Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?


[1st date]
HER: do you like charades?
MIME: [thumbs up]
HER: well?
MIME: [nodding ‘yes’]
HER: hello?
MIME: [shooting self with finger gun]


Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.


Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.


You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.


Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.


Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.