me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Ugh
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
car not found
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
🤣🤣🤣
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth