ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self