Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
i wish i could marry a nap
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.