Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

You Might Also Like


As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”


I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.


I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.


He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N


Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality


A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?