Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”


MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!


Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.


Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds


Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.


Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem


Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.



– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc