@FU_TangClan

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

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@JermHimselfish

As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”

@prufrockluvsong

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

@CM2BTTHD

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

@abbycohenwl

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@PyrBliss

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@PoshTick

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: speeding?

cop: no it’s-

dog: [paws impatiently tapping wheel]

me: he says he wasn’t speeding

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?