Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

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I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.


Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.


Hey guys listen up: your girlfriend doesn’t want to talk about your wife. Ever!!


him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.


I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.


Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”


My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”


Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril


I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?


Okay, I only had one beer Officer.