Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap


robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT


me: can you close the door


SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]


ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.


“Based on a true story” means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.


I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.