Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Pat is about to own someone
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”