@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

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@SwedishCanary

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@girlnarly

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

@UniqueDude2

my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met

@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

@AnkCoupleTO

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@ArfMeasures

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember