ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

You Might Also Like


[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.


listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk


The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.


At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found


[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.