@TheToddWilliams

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

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@underchilde

[lying naked in bed]

Her: Tell me your fantasy.

Me: Well, I get in my car to drive to work, and for the entire trip, there is no traffic.

@BillMc7

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

@BadassBarbie11

The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.

@FilthyRichmond

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

@portmanteauface

At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.