ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs