I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks
Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.