@3sunzzz

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

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@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@Divergentmama

Cashier: your total is only 4 bucks

Me: *taking back the 5th deer* whoops, my bad

@qwertying

I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.

*wife phones*

Wife: What you doing?

Husband: Missing you.

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

@mela_shea

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

@Mom_Overboard

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

@PlainTravis

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

@Jarhead44

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.