Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
me doing my best
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.