Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Happy Thanksgiving
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
The Book. The Movie.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: