Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.