me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Sunday
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.