ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

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pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary


[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*


MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.


Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over


Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.


Guarantees in life

1. Death

2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill


Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.


I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone