@justin_maybe

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

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@SondraDeeMe

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

@SwedishCanary

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

@ibid78

*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@envydatropic

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.

Cricket:

God:

Cricket: [cricket noises].

@NyAdas

Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying

@candace_9871

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .