Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting


My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!


If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.


*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]


Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”


I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.


God: you’re nocturnal.

Cricket: what does that mean?

God: it means you can only be heard at night.

Cricket: oh.

God: and after bad jokes lol.



Cricket: [cricket noises].


Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying


Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .