Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.