Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything