Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me
ME: she’s a liar
WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?
ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.
2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.
Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.