Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy