ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.