Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

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[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie


TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never


ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often


[Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I’m stealing*


You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic


Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.


Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick


Me: you like that? *takes out trash*

Wife: ooooh

Me *starts vacuuming the living room*

Wife: oh my god, don’t stop


[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*


When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.