Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
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My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how’s that feel, Stlerbecks?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir