7: Mommy look!
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
7: And staring is rude
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Palm reader: in sharpie
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My dating profile:
I believe in aliens more than I believe in a “runner’s high”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football