So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Palm reader: in sharpie
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”
*scoops your baby up in a tissue*
weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount