running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up