Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
barbara was highly relatable
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
No laws when master is gone
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”