Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
This is my favorite one of these!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.