@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

@jackmackenroth

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

@Sachin_Sahel

I don’t mean to alarm anyone but the Winchesters are retiring this year and Pestilence just rode in on a white horse.

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@FannyB1tch

Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.

@Rollinintheseat

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.