me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.