@GrantTanaka

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

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@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@Contwixt

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

@AkashThakan

Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.

@XLCadillac

My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.

@Dustinkcouch

911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail

@DaHess1

Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

@TheDailySchmuck

People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.