me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


Check out this list number 5 is awesome.


Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.


My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor’s window thinking I locked myself out of my house.


911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail


Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.


People have underestimated me my entire life, and they’ve been wrong on like two of those days.


The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.


Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.