@RedRegenerated

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

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@LindaInDisguise

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

@blondecalamity

A) I don’t care who is stalking my twitter
B) I don’t care who is saying terrible things about me
C) I don’t care – OH! Free iPad??? *click*

@Swishergirl24

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

@iamspacegirl

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@TheTobbie

My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…

@evilistheheart

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

@lifeisforkedup

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery