ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

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Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.


Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.


I went out today

There were people there

0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend


My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!

I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.


Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.


When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.

Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.


My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer


I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.


Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING