ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Morning my dudes.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
it be like that
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell