Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I went out today
There were people there
0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend
My GF arrives in town next week. I’m so excited!
I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn’t make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When my kids were younger, I would dream about all of the awesome things they would do when they grew up.
Now I just hope one day they learn to how to pee in the toilet, close a cupboard and rinse a dish before putting it in the sink.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Hi guys! Nick is very handsome and an amazing cook. Are there any nice girls interested inMOM GET OFF MY TWITTER YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING