@truegritrumble: ME: *plummeting to earth* I'VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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@Book_Krazy: [Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks] Me: so I guess the whole "we're going paperless" rules dont apply to you?
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did you get me for Mother's Day? 3-year-old: A cake. Wife: Where is it? 3: You haven't made it yet.
@sarcasticmommy4: My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.” Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”