ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS