@ChewedOnBoobs

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

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@_ElvishPresley_

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

@FromMinivan

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

@ObviousOstrich

If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@JohnLyonTweets

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.