detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
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If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.
Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you fill a bottle of water, take it into a dark room and pour the water on the floor, you’ve just wasted your time.
Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?
5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.