Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
early stone age tool
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…