@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

You Might Also Like

@ObscureGent

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

@LostCatDog

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

@joonloons

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”juliussharpe”;s:5:”image”;s:65:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/935659475/me_again2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350302340206702593″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”180″;s:5:”tweet”;s:81:”If I could give one piece of advice to young people today it’s have rich parents.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@kelkulus

Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.