@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

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@korryduke

Hey people with one syllable names…… Good job ruining the Happy Birthday song. Jerks

@TheMichaelRock

Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

@djdarrellripley

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

@Bandersnaaatch

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

@70Ceeks

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@TheHatStore

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

@ch000ch

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird