I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.