Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.