Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
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Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”