Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.