me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

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One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.


Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.


Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.


BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.


Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché


When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…


My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.


I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.