me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Who knew!
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time