@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

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@DustinAHarkins

One time I called my teacher “mom” and she looked so confused and said “I’m not your mom.” It made the rest of homeschooling really awkward.

@Cheeseboy22

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

@VinnyPisciotta1

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@oopstastik

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

@QuietPsycho

When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@mexinonblonde

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa’s lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas…
The more you know.